Me: I think this waitress may have given me diet coke. If she has, this is the greatest crime committed against me.
Peguero: Maybe it was a mistake...
Me: If you accidentally stab someone, they still prosecute you.
Peguero: Not necessarily. It's at the discretion of the prosecutor.
Me: I'm certain this would be prosecutable.
Peguero: What's the crime?
Me: Giving me diet coke instead of coke. A crime against humanity.
Peguero: So if it's a crime against humanity, it needs to be prosecuted by an international court.
Me: Precisely. The entire world needs to learn of her treachery. In all seriousness what's the bar for a crime against humanity? Like, shooting one person isn't that. Do I have to shoot thirty people? What is the definition of a crime against humanity? Is there even a bar?
Peguero: It needs to be widespread or systematic.
Me: So if I set out on a journey to murder a single person in every country's capital, would that fit the bill?
Peguero: Maybe if you were backed by a government.
Me: Hmmmm... Eritrea?
Peguero: Why would they provide you resources for you on this mission?
Me: I don't know. They're always committing crimes against humanity. What's one more to them?
Peguero: Well then sure, if they provide you with the support you need to kill one person in every capital I believe we could argue that's a crime against humanity.
Me: All right. I'm counting on you to be the prosecutor!
Peguero: Man if I was badass enough to be an international criminal prosecutor, I would have much nicer clothing.
Me: But you're supposed to practice on this case so you're ready to prosecute this waitress!
Peguero: I'm sorry I'm not skilled enough to help you! Also don't you think maybe killing almost 200 people just because a waitress gave you what you only suspect is the wrong soda might be an overreaction?
Me: I thought there's over 200 countries. Listen, sometimes lives must be sacrificed to make sure justice is done.
Peguero: 195 not including Taiwan. Maybe you should sacrifice the waitress' life.
Me: Weren't there more in Katamari Damacy? I can't believe that game lied to me.