Upon discussing what Christmas decorations to put on my mantle:

Me: Keep the red theme?
Paul: No. Vary it. Gold, red, green, white. Think things like nutcrackers, snow globes, and shit.
Me: Dildos.
Paul: ...Yes. That is exactly what I meant. Get those and display them. I want to see you do that and also explain it to your parents.
Me: I would take you up on that challenge if dildos weren't so damned expensive.
Paul: You could find a few for $24-$30 if you looked hard.
Me: Yeah, but a fireplace this large, you need at least six.
Paul: Decorations will be pricey too. This is an INVESTMENT. Think of what you could do with them after. The people you could ruin. The lives you'd save...