I basically know nothing of Egyptian mythology. I know there's an Isis in there and a Ra (or was he just from Yu-Gi-Oh!...?), but that's about it. So I bought a book about the topic and... well, I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. I mean, it began by telling me the creator god Atum masturbated, put his semen into his mouth, must've realized that was a terrible idea because he immediately spat that shit back out, and from that the world was made. That's... great. We're off to a wonderful start here.

But my favorite was the fight between the uncle and nephew, Seth and Horus. Let's start off by saying Seth, Osiris, and Isis are all siblings. Osiris and Isis are married, and Seth is jealous of his brother and kills him. Isis proceeds to have sex with the corpse and is impregnated with Horus. So that's the background to this fucked up story. Here's what the book has to say:

The gods tell Horus and Seth to make peace and Seth invites Horus to stay in his house. During the night Seth tries to establish dominance by having sex with Horus, but Horus catches Seth's semen in his hand. He tells Isis, who cuts off his polluted hand and makes him a new one. Then she rubs the penis of Horus, gathers some of his semen and spreads it on the lettuce plants in Seth's garden. When Seth eats the lettuces he becomes pregnant by Horus. In front of the tribunal Seth mocks Horus for submitting to him. Horus responds by telling [the arbitrating god] Thoth to call to his own and Seth's semen and see where it answers from. Seth's semen answers the water but the semen of Horus answers from inside Seth. ^*

In case you didn't catch that, Seth tries to rape his nephew and somehow doesn't notice that he didn't cum inside of him. I don't have a penis so I'm not an expert on such matters, but I'm under the impression you can feel whether you're inside a person or not. Then his mother gives him a hand job — I want to point out there was an option to masturbate but his mother decided she was necessary in this process — and sprinkles the semen on some lettuce, which somehow impregnates her brother. Even though he doesn't have a uterus. And you can't get pregnant from that hole.

This is usually when I throw out a line about this is why Christianity ultimately won in the end (remember, Egypt was the center of Christian culture until the Muslim conquests), but then I remember our own Old Testament has stories about Lot impregnating his daughters. Then again, although salacious, these involve people and not the gods you're supposed to be emulating. And even with all the weird sexual crap going on, it's nothing compared to what the Egyptians got. What the hell was going on in their culture to come up with stuff like this?

^* Geraldine Pinch, Egyptian Myth: A Very Short Introduction (New York: Oxford University Press, 2004), 81-82.