Parents get upset at me sometimes for my candy ranking system. Usually I give one piece, but if I really like your costume I'll give more. And I'll announce it: "For having such an awesome Creature from the Black Lagoon costume, you get three!" And then I'll turn to this unoriginal princess and say, "...Here's your one." And the parent who was monitoring from a distance will frown at the unfairness of the situation. Listen, if you were a good parent, you'd dress your kid in something more interesting.

Actually, I've noticed the parents have the best costumes. It's a shame few of the come up to the door because I'd like to give them something too.

Also, kids need to learn physics. I can't open my screen door if all of you are literally standing in front of it. When I push it open an inch and then stop, it's probably because I don't want to shove you down my steps. It's a signal that you need to back the fuck up. Babies, I can understand. They don't know what the hell is going on. But teenagers? You should've already figured out how doors work.

And also, teenagers: You guys down the line have the worst costumes. You need to step it up.