Even though no children showed up on our doorstep last year, mom inexplicably bought bags and bags of candy for this year's celebration. And we got the same result. As I stared at all the sugar I was supposed to ingest, this conversation took place:

Me: You know, thanks a lot guys. I'm trying to lose weight here.
Dad: Just eat a bit at a time. It's just moderation.
Me: That's like asking an alcoholic to stop drinking.
Dad: (suddenly a very serious tone) You're joking, right?

You're the one who should be joking, dad. Your daughter is noticeably morbidly obese. If it's not a glandular issue, there's definitely some sort of eating problem. He expressed similar surprise to me announcing I could eat a bag of chips in one sitting. How the hell did you not realize that?